If there's one thing I've learnt over the past year, it's the importance of healing - not just physically but holistically. I think we often dwell so much on the outside that we forget the inward - which is so crucial because it impacts habits, thought process and overall behavior.
I've realized trauma harms us and is more deadly when not dealt with. Specifically, childhood trauma. Often than not, we don't even know we might be reacting in a certain way or even behaving in a particular way because of something as far back as our childhood.
I had a fairly, wonderful childhood with the ebbs and flows of life. But as I grew older I dealt with quite a bit, even though it wasn't overwhelming. I was so fearful of making mistakes and I was so insecure, but as I reflect, I now know the insecurity came from being told I was ugly at the tender age by a stranger. Strangely, that scarred me and made me look for worth in so much - particularly my academics. When that was shaken - I lost it. I lost my identity. I lost my sense of purpose too. I became so depressed ( I found normal activities so daunting). Living life was so hard, but I didn't know that I was suffering from that and I honestly praise God for taking me out of that experience. I became so busy with teaching Pathfinders at church that I began to heal. Now I'm not in anyway insinuating that this is how you get better. I'm just sharing my experience.
Then as I hit 26, I started realizing how much I missed out on not having a father figure (my parents separated when I was young) and even though my dad continues to feature in my life now and again, we're not close. I then realized how I sometimes struggled to think worthy thoughts regarding men - I just saw them in the same light as I saw my dad. Thankfully, God is helping me and interacting with good, father figures has been helpful.
This year I realized deep down I was reluctant to be a mother and not once have I been really able to entertain being a mother except for a few occasions. And I particularly remember reflecting on my mother's burden as a single parent and realizing how much hard work it was to raise children singlehandedly. Of course, I never felt like a burden. On the contrary, I had a happy childhood due to my mother. But deep down it left a fear for children. I didn't want to be near kids for the most part. And it was only recently, when I was telling my partner that I don't want kids, that he pointed out I was scared. He said I'm scared because I think I'll do it alone. A lightbulb turned on - that was the reason behind my not wanting kids. It's something I'll leave to God to decide for me. But I've been able to trust God with that part of my life - that He'll bless me with a husband who'd be hands-on and a present father. But it's the least of my concerns, although occasionally I find myself thinking about how I'd love twins (I'm a twin 😂) and how I'd love to homeschool them.
All in all, I realize some decisions I've made have been rooted in fear and hurt. But I'm thankful that God has exposed that so I can be intentional about healing. Not only healing from childhood trauma but from all the hurts that have made me not live fully.
I'm grateful that salvation includes restoration.
P/S: Part 1 & 2 of my healing journey are in my old blog: lovedbyhimfirst.wordpress.com
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