I also started to do my own research regarding what a Makoti is and I realised, it was an old practice where the daughter-in-law would stay with the husband's family and would have to serve. And for me, I partly have no issue with this as long as it's not mandatory. My understanding of marriage is that you leave the husband's home and start your own away from both your parents. So, as I reflected, even though I had visited my in-laws for three weeks, I realised there was no biblical ground where the daughter-in-law must visit and serve the in-laws. It's a cultural construct. And my issue with this is, the husband's family gains a daughter but the wife's family rarely gains a son. But both families should gain a child and there shouldn't be a family that's more favoured than the other.
Anyway, the day of the ceremony came and because we were clear we wanted a Christian service, the ceremony was centred on God. When I arrived at my in-laws house, I wore the Makoti regalia. My mom and family friend took me to the room where I was going to be dressed into the Makoti regalia. Then my sister-in-law and another lady joined in to dress me. The lady asked where my new underwear and bra were and I was taken aback by this. It's so important to respect other people's boundaries - you have no right to see my undergarments and no authority to dictate my body; and often than not, this is my issue with culture: Culture often disregards how the other person feels and what their convictions are. After being dressed I was ushered into a room full of women, where "ukuyalwa" (being counseled) was going to take place. This service really stood out for me as both my husband and I were sitting on "ukhukho" ( a traditional mat made of reeds). This for me was one of the highlights. I loved how the women emphasised the following:
- Marriage can only stand because of God and prayer. Hallelujah! After all, God is the author
- It was emphasised that we needed to have peace,love and forgiveness
- I was counselled to accept my in-laws and to not get offended by everything
- I loved how one lady said you don't follow in the footsteps of a man. If he chooses to do me ill, I shouldn't revenge. This is a godly principle
- I also loved how one lady said we should make sure we make to heaven together.
Man, I was blessed. And I received a new name, Phelolwethu, "our last born". I love this name because for one, I do not possess an IsiXhosa name and they see me as the last born of the family. And it's true as I'm younger than my husband, who happens to be last born and I too am the last born twin.
After that, we had a program outside which was a revival of marriage. God moved mightily and I have so many take-aways. I loved how the speaker emphasised that marriage is a God-ordained institution and there were so many gems like the importance of healthful cookery and contentment in the home. Then he read my favourite statement and told both our mothers to stay away from our marriage. The statement reads: Around every family there is a sacred circle that should be kept unbroken. Within this circle no other person has a right to come. Let not the husband or the wife permit another to share the confidences that belong solely to themselves. - MH 361.1
I've also observed that, often it's the mother of the husband who often wants to have a foothold on the marriage and you'll even realise, they still want to be a financial beneficiary. I understand fully well the duties we have to make sure our families are fed, but it's unfair when the in-laws can provide for themselves yet have them still expecting money. I think the in-laws should realise you are building your home and give the couple financial freedom. And I believe it's important as a husband to explain to your family that financially you won't be able to assist like you did, prior marriage, so there isn't a heavy expectation or dependency on you. And I am really thankful that I have a mother who doesn't expect money or demand it; she waits on me to give when I have. And ideally, it would be nice if both in-laws can support themselves instead of depending on the married couple. Ofcourse, you'll assist when you can and you'll never let your family suffer. But often than not, there's an unfair expectation for the husband to still financially take care of his family even after marriage. I believe mother-in-laws should realise that their sons are not their husbands. Let's just say a particular mother-in-law once vocalised that the son is her husband and she sadly did it on the wedding. And went on to say she educated the said son. My question is: did she educate the son to be her breadwinner for the rest of her life or so that he can be able to take care of himself? Do we rear children solely to be paid back? The Bible talks about a wise man who lives an inheritance for his family and that should be the principle: my children should be well prepared for financially and should have enough opportunities to stand on their feet and as a parent, I should never depend on them financially.
I also believe if you'd want the traditional wedding as in-laws, you should highlight such during the Lobola Negotiation so that the couple prepares financially. I didn't like the fact that my MIL waited till after the wedding to want the Welcoming of uMakoti Ceremony. It should have been communicated way earlier. To us, it was a financial blow and it hurt because we have to put other projects on halt because of this. And we went way over our budget. But thank God for provision.
There was also a desire for Umqombothi (traditional beer) and for me to stand Enkundleni ( a kraal for worshipping the dead). My husband explained we didn't want either and thankfully God won. The ceremony was godly and God showed up. True to the word : God honours those who honour Him. And this is our greatest desire as a family.
And think all this, made me realise it's also important to pray to marry into an Adventist Family. Ofcourse this is not always easy but you need a principled husband who really loves and honours God more than anyone. So, I think for me, as much as I want to be a representative of heaven in my husband's family, I'm navigating a lot as principle-wise we're so different. We worship in different denominations, the way they eat is different (I don't cook meat and I'd personally never cook what I don't eat plus it would be giving them poison) and the beliefs: my in-laws believe in worshipping the dead. They also watch television. So, I pray for the ability to constantly apply grace. And such small things make you realise how much of a blessing it is to grow up into an Adventist Family. There's an atmosphere an Adventist Home has and in visiting my in-laws I've often longed for that atmosphere. We do have devotion and singing but it's totally different. And this made my spirit heavy. They respect our way of eating but I've had to compromise and seat with my mother-in-law and watch TV as means of connecting with her because she likes it. While I personally don't watch it and the sad part is, television is infiltrated with spiritualism. My point is,there are things I still have to navigate. I believe in avoiding environments that make me compromise my convictions, but it'd seem I don't love them when I don't visit. So, I'm struggling with such things. So, it turns out marriage isn't just two people who love each other and seek to build a godly home; but from time to time, in-laws will have to be considered. And so, I'm learning the principle of compromise and dealing with elders who sometimes want to dictate how you ought to do things versus your own convictions. I think it's also important to be honest from the start and for your in-laws to know your boundaries.
Comments
Post a Comment