Disclaimer: my thoughts are all over the place and I can't share the specific details so as to not expose those closest to me. Just a burdened soul grieved.
When Esau was forty years old, he took as wives Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite. And they were a grief of mind to Isaac and Rebekah. (Genesis 26:34-35)
And Rebekah said to Isaac, "I am weary of my life because of the daughters of Heth; if Jacob takes a wife of the daughters of Heth, like these who are the daughters of the land, what good will my life be to me?" (Genesis 27:46)
One of the lessons I wish I clearly understood at a younger age is how our choices affect the next person. Pride often deceives us into thinking we are living for ourselves. Even if we make a bad decision, we'll be the only ones that suffer. But that's not quite true. Though we may carry the heavy load of regret and suffer the repercussion of our choices, those closest to us also receive a portion of our suffering.
I'm often tormented about my choices but I can only make the right choices going forward. And I've observed how my other relatives' choices have caused great pain and discouragement.
I pray I may not cause my family pain. Sometimes it's too hard and in a moment, we give up and that choice affects our entire trajectory. I'm in a path where I'm tempted to give up but there's so much at stake and so many responsibilities on my shoulders.
And just coming across these texts about Esau's choices resonated with me so much. I cannot begin to tell you the pain and exhaustion some relationships bring and while you are not in the relationship, you constantly get thrown in the deep end. If only we could listen to the counsel of our parents we'd go far in life.
Our brothers often choose heathens because they are backslidden and in turn, the partners becomes such a pain in the family. You know those folks who carry such a bad atmosphere? Those are the partners our brothers often choose and we're often grieved at the choice. And the lifestyle they live. It's unfortunate it's not my story to tell. But just observing such a relationship is disheartening. But you can't make choices for a person.
I've noticed this trend of relatives having kids unplanned, and they continue while arrangements and preparations are not in place and somehow, financially you are affected. I honestly can attest that an unbeliever can be a curse. They are an enemy to every good thing. I've witnessed this to one closest to me and I can't help but feel grieved and wonder; what sort of household do some people come from? You try to extend grace, but the individual constantly opposes and is ungrateful.
Also a testament that you must also choose based on the household one comes from. This has nothing to do with financial status but good character. Some families are entitled and want to squander resources and do not work hard. It's so important to check one's values. Hence the "no sex before marriage" injunction. Sex beclouds judgement and causes folks to turn a blind eye to red flags. NOT having a clear concept of what you want in a partner and the relationship you'd like to have is another danger. So does avoiding counsel. You cannot have a handful of people warning you against the same person. Take it to heart. I believe in leaving when the relationship isn't serving its purpose than enduring years of abuse, for the sake of counting years.
Praying that I look back and be proud because God is pleased. And my parents too. Hoping I'd one day be a blessing in my husband's life and of his family (should that be a path I'm called in). For now I'm constantly working on being a blessing at home. Lessening the burden and being a light. Consciously choosing to be present in my nieces' lives and mindful of the behaviour I model.
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