Strict Parents Trauma- Part 2

You know, I've been thinking of the term strict and what it really means. To a certain degree, it's needful; in the sense of giving direction, order and safety. We can all recount how the strictness of our parents saved us from many dangerous paths. But when strictness involves hurtful words which are derogatory in nature, when it involves control and no autonomy, when it means you have to hide certain things because you are scared of the reaction, then it's not what it should be.

Child Guidance talks about how parents should befriend their children and how they should encourage openness and be their children's confidants. This will help children to not trust their young friends, who are still lacking in experience and in turn, will save many young people from hurtful experiences or at least give assurance that, regardless of  their choices, they'll still have a safe space in their parents. That space will provide a refuge for crying, venting out and so much more without condemnation. But this is rarely the case. In African homes at least. Instead, there's so much "Do as I say and ask no questions" attitude from parents, that it's hard to have open conversations without feeling ashamed. Or have parents think you are a culprit. There are often so many NOs without giving any reasoning behind the rules. I grew up in a Christian home and at some point we heard, "no sex before marriage." I learnt about sex in novels and as I'd read, I'd condemn the characters while continuing to read. So you can imagine! So, there wasn't any guidance around that. I remember attending a seminar where the speaker mentioned sexual intercourse and I wished I could immediately disappear. Only to find out later, it's God-designed and it's not dirty.

The issue with extreme strictness is that, there's so much shame and pain it carries. With every mistake, you are either called a fool or stupid. My dad did that: "yhu udom!" And so, buried under your subconscious is those words and your desire to fight them. But from time to time, you might believe them.

Overly strict parents don't talk about failure nor do they open up on their failures as lessons. Growing up I excelled in school but when I got to varsity I hit a brick wall. So, I failed 3 modules and had to repeat first year. I don't even think I was able to tell my parents. I just mumbled something about the final results not being out yet. I carried so much shame. This just carried on into the second year and I lost all the drive I had (based on so many erroneous conclusions I had come to) and eventually I got excluded. I appealed and I was told to do a BSc. I then decided against it because I didn't see where it'd lead.

I sadly had to break the news. It was so hard, but February of the next year was approaching and I coudn't keep silent. My self-worth really took a knock as my identity was centered on being a great student. From then on, I lived in fear and I stopped existing. I'd hide from people I knew so as avoid the questions regarding my schooling. My mom never uttered any discouragement but it was the sense that all hope was lost that depressed me. Like I had let her down. My dad didn't say much. But I remember reading a book and him saying, "Why are you reading? you are a drop-out."

And so strictness, often leads you to a place where you don't know how to ask questions, seek help and suffer from a fear of things turning badly. At times, it also feels like you struggle with decision-making because you've been told so much on what to do without being asked about your opinion and to think. You also cannot share your brokenness. I remember how one poet was sharing how her father was against her being a poet and when she was sexually assaulted, she couldn't immediately go home or tell them. I'm also reminded of folks who chase away their daughters when they fall pregnant / sons when they say they're homosexuals. Or just because of different convictions. 

My greatest fear that I've been working on is fearing to express myself, fearing to sound wrong and making mistakes. I'm also working around people-pleasing and just learning to be myself. I believe my voice matters. My thoughts too and though I may err at times, I express them as an outlet to heal and form community. And as an outlet to learn more.

And so, I'm on a journey of taking responsibility of my actions and unlearning. Sometimes I'm tempted to use escapism as a way of navigating life. But praise be to God, I can be so much more. I'm unlearning, and I'm learning so much.