Prior marriage, I honestly had my fears: how will living with a man be like, will I be able to freely express my desires, will he like my cooking? Will I still be able to maintain personal time and devotion?How will copulation be? Will it hurt? Will there be affection?All these questions would come to my mind from time to time, as I had never witnessed a healthy marriage where God was honoured. I had only observed bits and pieces from others and couldn't get the full picture; though there are healthy marriages.
Thankfully, we can always "cast our cares to God", including our fears that keep us awake at night (1 Peter 5:7) and God promises to be with us through the fears (Isaiah 41:10). These fears alo include a change in trajectory - whether it's leaving home, a change in career, getting married or any change we might face.
My husband and I spoke about some of these fears prior marriage but our comfort has always been that God will continue guiding us as He has done during the course of our courtship.
When we finally got married, on the 2nd of October and finally started our journey as married folks, there was an ease about everything. Nothing felt awkward you know. There was a smooth transition that continues to surprise me from time to time. Ofcourse you communicate, you learn how the other person does things, you get used to their preferences but it hasn't been a stressful experience. My husband often teases me and says: it's like I've been waiting so long to be a wife that the shoe just fits 🤣.
Honestly, I've asked God to help me in my wifehood journey and I took a decision earlier on that I wasn't going to contribute to the breakdown of my marriage: I'd be mindful of the words I say, the tone of my voice and the choices I make and so far, through the grace of God, we've enjoyed every day since the wedding day.
1. I've realised it's important to maintain a personal relationship with God to get strength to navigate life and receive wisdom to live happily married. God as an author of love and life must be the ruler of each individual's life and the marriage life will be enriched. More than that, our salvation is our most important project including developing a Christ-like character. And so, marriage shouldn't be so consuming that God is put aside. The command still stands : work out your OWN salvation with fear and trembling (paraphrased)
2. I consider my husband my best friend - someone I can joke with and be vulnerable to and that helps. The friendship makes it easy to navigate hard / uncomfortable conversations.
3. Your husband can never fill every void in your heart. God has his place but you still need to maintain other relationships as they all contribute positively to your growth as an individual. So, it's important to socialize and maintain good relations outside the marriage. Ofcourse, these should be healthy relationships which will not threaten your marriage / make your partner insecure.
It's also crucial to maintain the relationship with your own family. Your parents must not feel like marriage is a loss but instead the relationship must continue and be enriched. Ofcourse you might not see them often, but make time for loved ones.
4. Premarital counseling is not overrated. Pastor Mngqibisa was our marriage counselor and we enjoyed every session. It really made us introspect ourselves individually and as a unit. It was such an uplifting experience and it was eye-opening. I highly recommend it. One does pay for it, but it's not that costly. It's an investment into your marriage.
5. Ukukotiza (visiting your husband's family and serving them) is a form of missionary work and it requires a heart of a servant. It's one thing I was really reluctant about because I'm not familiar with his family but as I prayed about it, I realised it's about forming a relationship with people who knew your husband before you and who also hold him dearly. I prayed for my in-laws and it helps that they are generally loving people. I am grateful for coming into a loving home and a Christian family. Though not Adventist, it helps that there's God as a foundation and it helps us to relate so well. It's actually been a wholesome experience to care for my mom-in-love (MIL); prepare meals and take care of the home. It actually feels like a continuation of what I was doing in my home. I am overwhelmed by the love and how my MIL doesn't want me to be constantly working and constantly reminds me to rest.
My husband has also held my hand in making the journey easy: a huge shout out to him!!! My MIL also enjoys the healthy manner of eating and has been so happy. So yes, one must be humble and serve; and contribute towards connecting with the husband's part of the family.
6. Love is patient - this concept really gets put to the test in marriage. Though there are fundamental similarities like a shared religion and values, you'll also realise how different your spouse is to you and there'll be flaws which you might need to highlight but not make an issue because they are not the main thing. It's important to realise that your partner exercises patience towards you too and the good (who they are & what they do) often outweighs the flaw.
7. Marriage gets sweeter every day and I believe keeping our courtship simple has contributed to this. We've led individual lives, we've served in different spheres and we're enjoying spending time together, going on dates and doing couple things. I personally don't believe in wearing matching clothes, always being together while unmarried such that it'll be assumed you're already married (my personal conviction and not a universal rule).
8. We've been tested too but I've personally decided I won't be bitter towards God or question Him regarding the losses (trials) . Trials are seasonal and I believe they expose our true heart and they are a test on whether we'll trust God or lose faith in Him.
Overall, I'm thankful for this gift of marriage. It's so nice to have the assurance and security that someone is in your corner and no matter how bad life gets, you can run to your partner and be comforted.
This quotation has been an encouragement to me:
You have united in a life long covenant. Your education in married life has begun. The first year of married life is a year of experience, a year in which husband and wife learn each other's different traits of character, as a child learns lessons in school. In this, the first year of your married life, let there be no chapters that will mar your future happiness.- CCh 126.1
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