Choosing not to be a mother

 This is my last year in my 20s

Thinking back to the vision I've had for my life, I'm not there *yet* but I'm  thankful I get to serve in other ways.

One thing I decided on very early on in life, is that I didn't want to be a mother. I looked at my mother's lot - parenting alone, providing for every thing while loving us and gave us attention and often I was sad about her lot. Not once did she complain / give us a painful childhood. She's loved us well and continues to play such a big role in my life. She didn't have a hands-on partner who was as committed.

And I made a vow to never be in the same predicament. And I've come to realize: you may do the "right" things i.e marry and have children but it doesn't gaurantee that your husband will be a good partner and a true father. There was a lot of pain caused by my dad. 

And I thought I'd compromise and have kids if I find the right man. But as I reflect on this, I realize it's not about a good partner but I do not want to be a mother. I view motherhood as something I'm incapable of becoming. It's a title I'm not willing to have. I don't want the responsibility that comes with kids. I was convinced I'd love twins (boys, of course) but to be honest, I'd love to marry and remain childless. There aren't men who are like this though. I think I'll need to alert my partner about this.  He often said I dreaded motherhood because of fear I'd do it alone. True, but finding a good partner doesn't mean I'm willing to be a mother.

I see it as too much a sacrifice. I'd rather not have children than hate every bit of motherhood and eternally scar my children. There are days I wonder, if I'm not making a mistake. But I envision a life free from children as to have more freedom to do the work I do, go back to school, serve and have a learning centre using the School of the Prophets model.

I hope as I grow, society would know that: choosing to remain childless is an okay choice. It doesn't mean you have fertility issues and such questions should be avoided.

Being a woman doesn't necessarily translate into being a wife or mother. I don't derive value from these roles. I am playing a positive role now.

The other contributing factor is the time we live in. I don't want to tie myself.

If I ever change my mind: it would be because God said so. It feels selfish but I'm someone who enjoys alone time, nurturing souls by visiting them and prioritising serving in other ways. I desire to continue serving children especially from my church and community. I'm burdened by the neglect of children. But I hope to be in a marriage where with both don't see kids as an important factor. 

As long this is not driven by fear. By the way, it's disheartening to see women who bash others on this very choice. You are often seen as a feminist. I've been called this because of my views.

I look forward to a wholesome life. Also, just because I have deep interest in kids doesn't mean I'll make a "good" mother.