I came across a video on YouTube that talks about trauma that emanates from having strict parents. And I just found myself thinking about how I was being bullied by an elderly lady who was constantly making comments about my body and how big my boobs were. I was thirteen at the time and I don't think I was able to confide in my mother. I'd complain about my weight and she'd tell me there's nothing wrong, but I feel like I wanted more from her. I remember her coming across an article I had written about this experience and her expressing how she wished I had told her.
My mom is strict and sweet. I've always struggled to confide in her about other things; mainly due to her response - I feel like she doesn't hear you out. I was scared when I had my first period and my brother went to talk to her on my behalf. And I remember my colleague expressing her fear in telling her mom as she'd think she slept with a boy.
I just dislike how certain conversations are off limits or there's a discomfort around them. I remember during my adolescent years how my body was changing and I felt so lonely. Thankfully, I had a lovely teacher and I wrote him a letter. He wrote back and it meant the world to me.
When I had crushes, I wrote my dad a letter asking what was happening and he promised to get back to me but he never did. And that made me feel rejected and I never opened up to him again. And opening up has been an issue. I am only learning now and it's not always an easy battle.
But I really wish it was easy to open up about everything. I can't even joyfully share about certain aspects of my life with my mom. It hurts. It just hurts how there are still areas that are off limits. I've tried to open up but sometimes I hit a wall or my intentions are misunderstood. I struggle to communicate, I struggle to have difficult conversations or to voice out how I really feel.
Also struggling with a superior who thinks voicing out thoughts or explaining my side of the story is disrespect. I really hope if I'm granted the opportunity to mother a child, I'll be a safe space. I'm also trying to work on my own toxicity. I'm just praying for healing.
Hmmm... First of all, thanks for opening this safe space. It is a step closer to healing, not only for yourself but also for those recovering from emotional trauma. I think strict parenting can be a huge factor. I am being careful here because "strict" can mean many things. But as long as parents feel like specific topics are off-limits, that is overly strict. I think most parents struggle with how to be authorities of figure and also at the same time still be friends with their children. Perhaps it's a generational curse that has been passed on from those that came before us. There is generally a problem of emotional expression; as a result, even the best of us still have to recover from the childhood we experienced.
ReplyDeleteI pray that we may break that curse. Some of my nieces are approaching teenage. Honestly speaking, I don't even know whether my sisters and I are such safe spaces. I want to tell them about periods and stuff (which I never had), but it pains me to say, "In as much as I want to, I am shy."
Oh man. We've really been socialized to be ashamed about things we shouldn't be ashamed of. I really God make you such safe spaces. Those girls need you.
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